


The Horrible Cases of Candlitus and Unwashed Hair

by Jusreina



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Candles, Clexa, Crack, Don't Judge Me, Don't Read This, F/F, How Do I Tag, Humor, I Don't Even Know, Lots of Cursing, Satire, Swearing, The Author Regrets Everything, clarke needs to shower, i'm literally so stupid, stupid
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-14
Updated: 2016-06-18
Packaged: 2018-07-14 22:59:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7194350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jusreina/pseuds/Jusreina
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clarke Dirty-Haired Griffin™ confronts Commander "Candle-Loving Heart Eyes" Lexa™ about her candle addiction, Lexa denies she has a problem, and starts arguing that if anyone has a problem, it's Clarke. Will they be able to love each other through this bump-in-the-road in their relationship, or will their breakup be so horrid that Arkadia and Trikru end up going to war?</p><p>Or: the stupid, not that funny, really unnecessary fic where lexa's candle addiction is worrying clarke, and lexa keeps denying anything is wrong. also, clarke really needs to fucking shower, despite her hatred for being clean.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

When Clarke Griffin walked into Lexa's bed chambers, and caught the mysterious Heda talking to her candles in a hushed voice, similar to that of a mother talking to their child, the blonde decided she'd had enough. The thirteen clans were falling apart, Arkadia was growing impatient for Heda's assistance in trying to survive the rapidly changing weather, Clarke's detest for showers was getting worse... Everything was just.. Collapsing. Thus, the mighty Wanheda was sure to have to interrogate Lexa at one point.

Anxiously, Clarke approached her girlfriend. "Lexa, I think it's time you saw my mom. This obsession is not only scaring me, but everyone. Please, you have to stop buying and lighting candles. You're going to end up killing either someone else or yourself!"

Almost immediately, Lexa whipped her gay ass head around, a stone cold look on her face. Her blood was fuming, just like her candles. "There is NOTHING wrong with me!" Heda shouted, her black warpaint making the usual bean look extremely terrifying.

Clarke's eyes started to water. She knew that enabling Lexa to keep buying candles was a bad idea, but this was exactly what she feared- Lexa becoming angry, guns- well, swords, because she has no idea how to use a gun- blazing. "I feel like you love them more than me."

"I AM MORE THAN CAPABLE OF LOVING CANDLES AND YOU, EQUALLY!" Heda shouted, wetting the panties of every female that heard her- including her girlfriend, obviously.

"Lexa, I-"

"SHUT THE HELL YOUR MOUTH, DIRTY ASS WHITE GIRL DREADLOCKS!" Lexa cut Clarke off, her green-as-cannabis-eyes burning holes through Clarke's skull (not literally, Heda hasn't become a full-on-candle yet).

"WELL MAYBE YOU'RE THE REASON I WON'T WASH MY HAIR! YOU KEEP BUYING CANDLES, WHY CAN'T I KEEP GOING ON WITHOUT SHOWERS? YOU FUCKING REDI WHIP™ BITCH!" Clarke yelled, fisting (har har) her hair in her hands. Now, tears of not only sadness, but tears of anger, threatened to spill out.

Lexa took a step back, a lump forming in her throat. Her obvious position of a bottom showed even more when she backed into a table. Again.

"That's right, you BOTTOM! Take that step back, and fucking listen to me."

"O-okay, but please, Wanheda, you must wash your hair! If you truly loved me, you would wash your hair!" Commander Heart Eyes cried out in a worried tone.

"I WILL WASH MY HAIR WHEN I AM FUCKING READY! YOU LISTEN TO ME, REDI WHIP™! I  _WILL_ GET MY MOTHER IF YOU DON'T STOP BUYING CANDLES!" Clarke "I Think I'm a Lion But Really I'm a Cub" Griffin screamed angrily, causing Lexa to jump.

The author obviously sucks at writing and hasn't put the guards' reactions because she's a lazy whipped lesbian who can't be bothered.

"I WILL STOP BUYING CANDLES WHEN YOU WASH YOUR DAMN HAIR, YOU MUDDY PIECE OF SH-"

For some reason, Indra magically appeared and walked in with a warcry.

"SHOF OP, SHOF OP, SHOF OP!" She yelled, her eyes basically shooting both of them with stray bullets.

"Both of you have serious problems, and my Bro-daddy Kane is taking the both of you to Arkadia, where Abby shall treat your addictions." And with that, guards came out of nowhere and grabbed both women, injecting them with a poison to knock them out.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wankhede and Cummander Sex wake up in Arkadia, tied up and confused. How long were they there? Why is Abby trying to take their lives from them? Find out in Chapter 2!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for whatever reason, people actually like this, and i've gotten at least 10 people on instagram telling me to continue... so, here is chapter two!!

Chlorine Griff and Head Leek awoke to the tight feeling of handcuffs around their wrists and ropes around their feet.

"What the hell?!" Bleach Blonde shouted, whacking her hands against the metal rod she was tied to, hoping the handcuffs would break. Well, they obviously didn't.

"Klork? Wh-what happ'n..?" Candle-head mumbled, furrowing her eyebrows. She looked around the unfamiliar place, until, SMACK! Doctor ~~"My Only Storyline In This show is To Be With Kane"~~ Abby Griffin slapped her in the face.

"What the hell was that for?" The stoic commander asked, and responded to Abby's slap by spitting in her face. Wow, Clarke really did have an effect on her.

"Wanted to make sure you were awake, you candle-loving, big-handed raccoon." Abby retorted, wiping the spit off of her face dramatically, just like everything else she does.

"Mom! How dare you slap my girlfriend, you heteronormative bitch!" Clarke shouted, making lots of rattling noises as she tried to fight against the handcuffs. What a dumbass; didn't she already try to break free and fail... Clarke Fucking Griffin, Dirty-Hair Dumbass.

"How long have we been passed out?" Clarke asked after calming down, trying to grasp a concept of time.

"Almost three days, 69 hours to be exact." The annoying doctor responded, shrugging.

"We've been running tests. Clarke, you're so dirty that your insides are suffering. Lexa, your blood has literally boiled. I-I just.. I can't believe what you've done to yourselves. What has pushed you to this?" Abby rambled, causing both girls to roll their eyes.

"We don't have a problem, Abby Kom Skaikru. We simply love candles and being dirty. There's nothing wrong with that." Lexa said calmly, looking at her girlfriend with heart eyes. They had eye sex for a minute before Clarke decided to say something.

"Yeah, mom! It's not an addiction. It's not just a phase, either! It's who we  _are._ I can't believe you're seriously trying to change who Lexa and I are. Didn't you always tell me to be myself?" Vagina-Cursed Wankhede was heartbroken- is her own  _mother_ really trying to change who she is?

"My love, don't cry." Sexa whispered, and wished oh-so-desperately to stroke Clarke's tear-stained face.

"Look what you've done to your daughter; look what you've done to my girl!" Commander Sex shouted, really wishing she could beat Abby up- and maybe eat some food; that would be nice.

Abby just shook her head and left the two of them, leaving them with their own thoughts and anger. Suddenly, Raccoon started breaking out a sweat and spontaneously combusted.

"LEEK! WHAT'S HAPPENING?" Mountain-Pussy Slayer cried out, watching her love have a seizure. Her body was moving so much, that, the ropes around her feet became loose.. If only the damn handcuffs would come off!

"I NEED A CANDLE! PLEASE, PLEASE! IT'S BEEN TOO LONG.. I CAN'T GO ON LIKE THIS.. AI GONPLEI STE ODON!" Lurksur cried out, and then her vision faded to black...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeiks!1! what will happen??? is leek gonna survive???


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> is commander of lesbians alive?!?!? ((yes she is bc even this fic has more logic than jrat))   
> this is kind of a filler chapter tbh

"LEEK! PLEASE, WAKE UP! DON'T YOU HAVE, LIKE, LESBIAN SUPERPOWERS?!" Clarke shouted, wishing she could break free of her cuffs and make sure her girlfriend was okay.

After what seemed like forever (really, it was just a few minutes, but Clarke is a bit over-dramatic), Commander of Lesbians regained her consciousness. She looked around, her breathing heavy and rapid. When her eyes landed on Chlorine, she sighed in relief.

"Wienerheda, I-I need.. candles.. I won't be able to survive the day without them." The Dramatic Gay™ sobbed, tears spilling from her beautiful green eyes.

"I know, my love. I know. Just hang in there, you'll be al-" Klerk was cut off by the loud sound of Arkadian guards busting through the doors.

"Get up, Griffin. Time for a fucking shower, you smelly shit." Belly Blek grunted out, and pulled Clarke up off the ground after untying her ropes and unlocking her handcuffs.

"NO! NO, PLEASE! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! I CAN'T TAKE A SHO-" She was unable to finish her sentence because Mr. Main Pain himself punched her in the face.

"GO FUCK YOURSELF, FLOPAMY!" Leek shouted, screaming like a maniac, trying to break free like an animal captured in a cave.

"Shut up, Commander. Not so tough now, huh?" Genocide Blake retorted, dragging a screaming Wankhede out of the "prisoner" room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah this was really short bc it's a filler chapter and i honestly just didn't know what to write.. i'm kind of distracted by Audrey Jensen's (portrayed by Bex Taylor-Klaus; from Scream) bad-assery... speaking of BTK's roles.. The Killing s3, y'all... fuuuckk.
> 
> oh, also i've been crying about OITNB season 4 for the past 2 days.. so, yeah, sorry for not updating in a while!! :)


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